Friday, 25 August 2017


The head of the House Rats Association of Nigeria (HARAN) has disputed claims by the Nigerian presidency that the presence of rodents in his office has forced him out.

Nigeria's president "resumed" office on Monday after a 105 day medical vacation abroad only to excuse himself from working in the office the following day.
However Chief Erasmus chairat of HARAN swiftly denied this, "on no account did any of our members engages in such an unpatriotic and unconstitutional act. The Nigerian constitution is clear that no one should occupy the office of the president of the federal republic of Nigeria other than via the provisions of the constitution, to wit democrat elections. What Buhari's aides have done is to accuse us of treason or coup....we shall not take it!"

Asked if it is possible that his members did so while he was in the US where he is currently addressing the annual convention of the Association of Nigeria Turtles in USA (ANT USA), chief Erasmus (pronounced Aratsamouse) said, "True our Rats occupy homes across the length and breadth of Nigeria in keeping with our age long traditions and recognized gracing routes but we are not political in nature and would never aspire to take an office we did not campaign for. There have been clashes here and there between the Rats and the homeowners but it's all a simple misunderstanding. Any rat who chews computer cables, wires, certificates must be from Chad, Cameroun and Niger. They are not our members."

Asked if he was implying that the reported damage may have been done by foreign terrorists Rats and not indigenous Rats so the presidency might be right after all, he countered “have you seen the security vote and the defense budget of the government? The president is spending 50 million on sewage in the presidential villa. That is equal to $170,000. If they are spending that much evacuating the waste, what would any self-respecting rat hope to find there to eat? I assure you this is a classic case of giving a rat a bad name so you can hang it."
Chief Erasmus who is in the US for one week to attend the ANT convention said his phone has been ringing since morning from concerned members and the media.

"It was CNN that woke me up this morning to confirm whether we had actually taken over the government house in Nigeria. I thought it was a dream. Then my wife called and said the children were chased out of class by mates who were taunting them that Buhari will deal with their father along with the hyenas and jackals who have held sway since he left."

"Please if he can't rule its better he resigns or return to London instead of telling lies on innocent rats. He shouldn't heat the polity unnecessarily by politicizing this issue. We are equal opportunity occupiers - we live with IPOB members, AREWA YOUTHS, OPC etc. it's only Boko Haram we don't live with because they don't live in houses but in the bush. However even our cousins the bush Rats don't hang around them because they don't like what they are doing."

Chief Erasmus concluded, "honestly if you are quiet, you will be taken for granted and stamped under foot in this country. Look at how cows have occupied churches, schools, airport runway, stadium, secretariat, highway, farms etc nobody has done anything to them. Then we who are continuing our ancestral duty as tiny as we are, are the ones being scandalized. Honestly, this calls for restructuring. On restructuring we stand!"

One of those random WhatsApp messages you get that just cracks you up